New Disney Promotion Angers Fans at Phoenix Coyotes Game

New Disney Promotion Angers Fans at Phoenix Coyotes Game

by Eddie Middletich

Of the 12,545 fans that attended Monday’s Phoenix Coyotes game, only ten of them left Jobing.com Arena completely infuriated.

            The occupants of row 250 A were enjoying every second of their beloved team’s 9-3 rout of the rival Los Angeles Kings, from the non-stop scoring to the spectacular goaltending of Vezina Trophy candidate Ilya Bryzgalov.  All fun came to a halt when veteran announcer Cristian Busseau’s voice came booming over the PA system.

            250 A was chosen as the night’s “Unlucky Row,” which earned the miserable fans a lame prize-pack giveaway sponsored by Disney Pictures.  Among the ridiculously stupid consolation was a set of tickets to see “My Dad the Ninja 3,” the latest installment in the “My Dad the Ninja” series produced by none other than Disney Pictures.

            The film, which stars Ice Cube, Vin Diesel, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, promises to be “unbearably bad” according to Disney CEO Marvin Cripps. 

            Cripps said that there was no better way to ensure that his company’s movie, which was produced on a whopping budget of $124,000,000, flops than to promote it through the Phoenix Coyotes.  The Disney executive also added that he hopes to expand the “Unlucky Row” promotion to other floundering sports franchises.  “As we speak, I’ve got an army of ‘Mousketeers’ on the phone with every team in the MLS,” he told reporters excitedly.

            Dr. Patrick Schumacher of Glendale was one of the “unlucky” fans who now has an unwritten obligation to go see “My Dad the Ninja 3” when it opens in theaters next week.  “Disney pictures has ruined what was supposed to be a romantic night out for my wife and me!” Dr. Schumacher screamed towards the camera as he unwillingly accepted the tickets, along with a perfectly ordinary “Goofy and Pluto” poster that has absolutely no value.

            Ice Cube, Disney Pictures’ latest excuse for an “A-list” actor, also made his way towards row 250 A to sign the Coyotes sweaters that some fans were wearing.  One unidentified man jumped back, flummoxed by the idea that some creep in a hoodie was trying to scribble on his authentic jersey.  After security guards calmed the man down, he eventually agreed to have the so-called “celebrity” put his signature on the proudly-worn Coyotes emblem. 

            The fan seemed to be in stable condition after the incident, but his sweater was permanently scarred.  The evidence of his unfortunate participation in Disney’s “Unlucky Row” was now sticking out like a sore thumb on his chest.  Ice Cube later apologized to the fan for putting his worthless signature over an Al Montoya autograph.  A lawsuit is expected to follow.

Washington Square's Iconic Chessboards to be Replaced with Candyland

Washington Square's Iconic Chessboards to be Replaced with Candyland

by Andrew C. Kloenfeldhamner

For chess fans in “The Big Apple,” today marks the end of an era.  Manhattan’s Washington Square will be replacing its stationary chessboards with custom-made versions of the Milton-Bradley classic, Candyland.

            The iconic chess tables have seen two World Wars, twenty United States Presidents, and three failed “Match Game” revivals.  They defined Washington Square, its ambiance, and everything about New York City.  Park-goers have spent centuries watching chess hustlers make fools of opponents aged anywhere from five to ninety-five years old. 

            The Candyland boards, which will begin to be installed later this week, have been deemed satisfactory by New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who is noted as an avid player of what many mistake to be limited to a children’s game.

            “Chess has become a thing of the past,” Bloomberg stated at a recent press conference, “Candyland is the next great American classic.”  Bloomberg was also outright offended when one cameraman challenged his Candyland skills.

            “As long as I shottie Lord Licorice, it just can’t happen!” the angered politician exclaimed regarding potential defeat. 

            Back on track after a near-encounter with a temper tantrum, Bloomberg pointed out that the boards, “would not be any different than the ones you buy at the local toy shop.  Move over marble squares, because paper-thin cardboard is here to stay.”  Bloomberg took no further questions, citing a “yen” to play Chutes and Ladders with his wife and pals.

            As for the former chess hustlers who spent years raking in dough playing at Washington Square, they must learn a new trade in order to stay successful.  “It looks like I need to forget pawn placements and two-rook checkmates for a while and start thinking about luring tourists into the gumdrop forest,” one veteran hustler from Queens told our reporters, “anyone can play chess, but [Candyland] is the thinking man’s game!”

            The sudden shift to more rigorous board games has caught the attention of scientists halfway around the world; Colcorp, a computer design firm based in Oslo, Norway, announced recent plans to design a Candyland-playing expert computer, abandoning plans to research laser-guided nuclear disarmament.  

 

California Mother sees the Virgin Mary in her Uncle Ben's Rice

by Virginia Hardwood

It may just be the world’s biggest little miracle.

            Tuesday night in San Bernadino, stay-at-home mother Filomena Quintero was making dinner for her four children.  “It [being a busy mother] kind of just, I don’t know, gels together,” she laughed. “It’s such a strict routine; microwave, mix, microwave, this, that…when something out of the ordinary happens it just throws you off completely.”

            But there truly are no words that can describe what happened just a few hours ago.  Five Priests and two scam artists have confirmed that what Mrs. Quintero saw in her Uncle Ben’s Ready Rice does, indeed, resemble the Virgin Mary. 

            “I’ve never seen anything quite like it,” Father Henry Pattinson of Chico commented. “The whole-wheat facial details…the pepper earrings…even the onion and salsa necklace is beyond belief.  It truly is an edible miracle.”

Mrs. Quintero cooking in her kitchen/bedroom/hallway 

Just moments after local television stations got a hold of the story, Christians from every corner North America flocked to the Quinteros’ tiny two-room apartment in Salvador Plaza.  The Pope is rumored to make an appearance by Friday, and experts predict that in two weeks the Quintero residence will be packed with men, women and children from around the globe.

            Uncle Ben’s has also enjoyed a sharp increase in sales.  “It’s just…a dream come true for us,” a spokeswoman for the company told sources.  She had no idea just how high sales would climb, given another couple of days.

            “Every Uncle Ben’s product sold this week represents two copies of Webster’s Dictionary sold in the past twenty years,” noted statistician Calvin Yates blogged on his website yesterday.

            For her efforts, Mrs. Quintero will be presented with a copy of “The Bible” signed by Mel Gibson as well as a lifetime supply of rice from Uncle Ben’s.  She has also signed a six-figure contract to star in a reality show on ABC, called “Edible Epiphanies with Filomena Quintero.”  The first episode, which sources tell us has been given a working title of “Jesus ate my Nutter Butters,” is already in the works. 

State-of-the-Art Miniature Golf Course Criticized for being "Too Pleasant and Orderly" by Mac Densfield

State-of-the-Art Miniature Golf Course Criticized for being "Too Pleasant and Orderly"

by Mac Densfield

Celebrity husband-and-wife duo Mo and Shirley Crawford excitedly cut the velvet rope that stood between them and a new business venture.  Incredible amounts of time and effort had all come down to one moment.  The moment.

The much-anticipated opening of Eagle Brook Pitch n’ Putt, a miniature golf venue that the world-famous couple began working on over three years ago, had finally arrived.  Nothing less than a glorious reception was expected, but it seems that public was terribly mistaken.

            Every single avid mini-golfer who had a chance to play the $400 million course panned the Crawfords’ efforts, calling Eagle Brook, “the worst failure since the Big Dig.”

            At the large bronze exit gate, nothing but complaints could be heard for hours until the opening ceremonies had ceased.  The most popular topics included the ridiculously smooth putting surfaces and easy-to-follow pathways between holes. 

            “I lost my ball in the river about halfway through my round and had to fish it out, just like usual,” said 11-year old Taylor of Winchester, WA.  “But when I pulled my hand out, it was perfectly clean!  There was no bacteria, weird-looking mossy slime…I didn’t even get pneumonia!” 

            The sparkling, crisp water is just the beginning.  Even the most stupidly over-competitive of groups could not be riled up, due to the working windmill and non-toppled dinosaur.  It was a nightmare for dysfunctional families: a peaceful round of miniature golf.

            “What a disgrace,” muttered one man, a father of two young girls, “no bickering, no cheating…at least they could’ve given us some repulsive, greasy food to compensate, but the hot dogs actually tasted like hot dogs!  How am I supposed to give my daughters a miniature golf experience when THE VENDING MACHINE WORKS?!”

            The Crawfords also lost their bid at hosting the next US Open of Mini Golf.  On his website, USAPP (United States Association of Pitch and Putt) President Dean Britt revealed that this year’s tournament would be hosted by top contender Tiki Isle Mini Golf and Batting Cages in dreadful Gulf Shore, Alabama.  The dilapidated course is filled with unpredictable bumps, loud distractions, and concrete-filled holes.  The venue even has a staff of high school dropouts who enjoy smoking marijuana and playing video games, having no further aspirations in life.  

            The world’s most famous philanthropists, however, hold their heads high.  Tales of shiny, white Titleist Pro-V golfballs rolling over Bermuda-grown hybrid grass do not seem to bother them.  With two vacation homes, three private yachts, and a billion-dollar company, Mo and Shirley Crawford can surely afford one failure.

            The next Crawford Technologies-driven project, “Mall.0,” is expected to begin construction in early 2011.  The company seems to have learned from its mistakes already, promising a crappy, garbage-ridden food court, an overabundance of women’s clothing stores with catchy, one-syllable names, and poorly-trained security guards.

Pictured:  Mo and Shirley Crawford (R to L)

Congressman Gerald Rassmusen Resigns, Embraces Metrosexuality

Congressman Gerald Rassmusen Resigns, Embraces Metrosexuality

by Mitch Gerard

Less than two hours after calling for a major press conference, Representative Gerald Rassmusen of Delaware resigned after confirming that the rumors regarding his metrosexuality were true. 

            The scandal first erupted when the former Congressman’s wife, Mrs. Wilma Tate-Rassmusen, found a cache of reversible shorts in a bedroom closet.  According to a private investigator hired by Mrs. Tate-Rassmusen, “Gerald kept the secret from his wife very well.  He would tell her that he was going to do manly things, like playing golf or going fishing, when in reality he was attending spinning classes and renting chick flicks.”

            The investigator, who has chosen to remain anonymous, described what it felt like to break the news to his client.  “I knew that the mention of ‘Mona Lisa Smile’ would send her over the top,” he told sources, “the description of how he ordered a decaf gingerbread latte with soy milk didn’t really help to make matters any better.”

            Mr. Rassmusen suggested that a sudden resignation was the only way to apologize to his rather masculine supporters.  “It’s the American thing to do,” an emotional Rassmusen stated as he stood at the podium, sobbing uncontrollably, “I want the best for my country.  I cannot accept praise for dishonesty, thinking more about new recipes for low-fat muffins than taxes during a Congressional meeting.”

            The unexpected turn of events may affect how the people of Delaware vote in the next election.  “Legit dudes” of all ages will surely be on the lookout for signs that their favorite candidate may be too metro to represent.

            “I’ll be sure to choose carefully in 2010,” Martin Dreichus of Wilmington told one of our reporters.  He later added some key words that will shy away cautious voters, “salmon-colored, doily, and appletini” among them.

            The empty seat in Congress will almost certainly be occupied by William Puckett until the 2010 elections are held.  Governor Ruth Ann Minner assured the public that her pick to replace Rasmussen is “as macho as they come.” 

            Puckett, 56, has served as a town councilman in his hometown of Buckhorn for almost two years.  He lives in Delaware year-round with his wife, Patricia and his goldfish, Max.