Congressman Gerald Rassmusen Resigns, Embraces Metrosexuality

Congressman Gerald Rassmusen Resigns, Embraces Metrosexuality

by Mitch Gerard

Less than two hours after calling for a major press conference, Representative Gerald Rassmusen of Delaware resigned after confirming that the rumors regarding his metrosexuality were true. 

            The scandal first erupted when the former Congressman’s wife, Mrs. Wilma Tate-Rassmusen, found a cache of reversible shorts in a bedroom closet.  According to a private investigator hired by Mrs. Tate-Rassmusen, “Gerald kept the secret from his wife very well.  He would tell her that he was going to do manly things, like playing golf or going fishing, when in reality he was attending spinning classes and renting chick flicks.”

            The investigator, who has chosen to remain anonymous, described what it felt like to break the news to his client.  “I knew that the mention of ‘Mona Lisa Smile’ would send her over the top,” he told sources, “the description of how he ordered a decaf gingerbread latte with soy milk didn’t really help to make matters any better.”

            Mr. Rassmusen suggested that a sudden resignation was the only way to apologize to his rather masculine supporters.  “It’s the American thing to do,” an emotional Rassmusen stated as he stood at the podium, sobbing uncontrollably, “I want the best for my country.  I cannot accept praise for dishonesty, thinking more about new recipes for low-fat muffins than taxes during a Congressional meeting.”

            The unexpected turn of events may affect how the people of Delaware vote in the next election.  “Legit dudes” of all ages will surely be on the lookout for signs that their favorite candidate may be too metro to represent.

            “I’ll be sure to choose carefully in 2010,” Martin Dreichus of Wilmington told one of our reporters.  He later added some key words that will shy away cautious voters, “salmon-colored, doily, and appletini” among them.

            The empty seat in Congress will almost certainly be occupied by William Puckett until the 2010 elections are held.  Governor Ruth Ann Minner assured the public that her pick to replace Rasmussen is “as macho as they come.” 

            Puckett, 56, has served as a town councilman in his hometown of Buckhorn for almost two years.  He lives in Delaware year-round with his wife, Patricia and his goldfish, Max.