Of the 12,545 fans that attended Monday’s Phoenix Coyotes game, only ten of them left Jobing.com Arena completely infuriated.
The occupants of row 250 A were enjoying every second of their beloved team’s 9-3 rout of the rival Los Angeles Kings, from the non-stop scoring to the spectacular goaltending of Vezina Trophy candidate Ilya Bryzgalov. All fun came to a halt when veteran announcer Cristian Busseau’s voice came booming over the PA system.
250 A was chosen as the night’s “Unlucky Row,” which earned the miserable fans a lame prize-pack giveaway sponsored by Disney Pictures. Among the ridiculously stupid consolation was a set of tickets to see “My Dad the Ninja 3,” the latest installment in the “My Dad the Ninja” series produced by none other than Disney Pictures.
The film, which stars Ice Cube, Vin Diesel, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, promises to be “unbearably bad” according to Disney CEO Marvin Cripps.
Cripps said that there was no better way to ensure that his company’s movie, which was produced on a whopping budget of $124,000,000, flops than to promote it through the Phoenix Coyotes. The Disney executive also added that he hopes to expand the “Unlucky Row” promotion to other floundering sports franchises. “As we speak, I’ve got an army of ‘Mousketeers’ on the phone with every team in the MLS,” he told reporters excitedly.
Dr. Patrick Schumacher of Glendale was one of the “unlucky” fans who now has an unwritten obligation to go see “My Dad the Ninja 3” when it opens in theaters next week. “Disney pictures has ruined what was supposed to be a romantic night out for my wife and me!” Dr. Schumacher screamed towards the camera as he unwillingly accepted the tickets, along with a perfectly ordinary “Goofy and Pluto” poster that has absolutely no value.
Ice Cube, Disney Pictures’ latest excuse for an “A-list” actor, also made his way towards row 250 A to sign the Coyotes sweaters that some fans were wearing. One unidentified man jumped back, flummoxed by the idea that some creep in a hoodie was trying to scribble on his authentic jersey. After security guards calmed the man down, he eventually agreed to have the so-called “celebrity” put his signature on the proudly-worn Coyotes emblem.
The fan seemed to be in stable condition after the incident, but his sweater was permanently scarred. The evidence of his unfortunate participation in Disney’s “Unlucky Row” was now sticking out like a sore thumb on his chest. Ice Cube later apologized to the fan for putting his worthless signature over an Al Montoya autograph. A lawsuit is expected to follow.
Al Montoya had a 4-game stint in the NHL as a backup goaltender. His autograph is currently worth about $1.00. That might help some of you.
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