State-of-the-Art Miniature Golf Course Criticized for being "Too Pleasant and Orderly" by Mac Densfield

State-of-the-Art Miniature Golf Course Criticized for being "Too Pleasant and Orderly"

by Mac Densfield

Celebrity husband-and-wife duo Mo and Shirley Crawford excitedly cut the velvet rope that stood between them and a new business venture.  Incredible amounts of time and effort had all come down to one moment.  The moment.

The much-anticipated opening of Eagle Brook Pitch n’ Putt, a miniature golf venue that the world-famous couple began working on over three years ago, had finally arrived.  Nothing less than a glorious reception was expected, but it seems that public was terribly mistaken.

            Every single avid mini-golfer who had a chance to play the $400 million course panned the Crawfords’ efforts, calling Eagle Brook, “the worst failure since the Big Dig.”

            At the large bronze exit gate, nothing but complaints could be heard for hours until the opening ceremonies had ceased.  The most popular topics included the ridiculously smooth putting surfaces and easy-to-follow pathways between holes. 

            “I lost my ball in the river about halfway through my round and had to fish it out, just like usual,” said 11-year old Taylor of Winchester, WA.  “But when I pulled my hand out, it was perfectly clean!  There was no bacteria, weird-looking mossy slime…I didn’t even get pneumonia!” 

            The sparkling, crisp water is just the beginning.  Even the most stupidly over-competitive of groups could not be riled up, due to the working windmill and non-toppled dinosaur.  It was a nightmare for dysfunctional families: a peaceful round of miniature golf.

            “What a disgrace,” muttered one man, a father of two young girls, “no bickering, no cheating…at least they could’ve given us some repulsive, greasy food to compensate, but the hot dogs actually tasted like hot dogs!  How am I supposed to give my daughters a miniature golf experience when THE VENDING MACHINE WORKS?!”

            The Crawfords also lost their bid at hosting the next US Open of Mini Golf.  On his website, USAPP (United States Association of Pitch and Putt) President Dean Britt revealed that this year’s tournament would be hosted by top contender Tiki Isle Mini Golf and Batting Cages in dreadful Gulf Shore, Alabama.  The dilapidated course is filled with unpredictable bumps, loud distractions, and concrete-filled holes.  The venue even has a staff of high school dropouts who enjoy smoking marijuana and playing video games, having no further aspirations in life.  

            The world’s most famous philanthropists, however, hold their heads high.  Tales of shiny, white Titleist Pro-V golfballs rolling over Bermuda-grown hybrid grass do not seem to bother them.  With two vacation homes, three private yachts, and a billion-dollar company, Mo and Shirley Crawford can surely afford one failure.

            The next Crawford Technologies-driven project, “Mall.0,” is expected to begin construction in early 2011.  The company seems to have learned from its mistakes already, promising a crappy, garbage-ridden food court, an overabundance of women’s clothing stores with catchy, one-syllable names, and poorly-trained security guards.

Pictured:  Mo and Shirley Crawford (R to L)