Washington Square's Iconic Chessboards to be Replaced with Candyland

Washington Square's Iconic Chessboards to be Replaced with Candyland

by Andrew C. Kloenfeldhamner

For chess fans in “The Big Apple,” today marks the end of an era.  Manhattan’s Washington Square will be replacing its stationary chessboards with custom-made versions of the Milton-Bradley classic, Candyland.

            The iconic chess tables have seen two World Wars, twenty United States Presidents, and three failed “Match Game” revivals.  They defined Washington Square, its ambiance, and everything about New York City.  Park-goers have spent centuries watching chess hustlers make fools of opponents aged anywhere from five to ninety-five years old. 

            The Candyland boards, which will begin to be installed later this week, have been deemed satisfactory by New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who is noted as an avid player of what many mistake to be limited to a children’s game.

            “Chess has become a thing of the past,” Bloomberg stated at a recent press conference, “Candyland is the next great American classic.”  Bloomberg was also outright offended when one cameraman challenged his Candyland skills.

            “As long as I shottie Lord Licorice, it just can’t happen!” the angered politician exclaimed regarding potential defeat. 

            Back on track after a near-encounter with a temper tantrum, Bloomberg pointed out that the boards, “would not be any different than the ones you buy at the local toy shop.  Move over marble squares, because paper-thin cardboard is here to stay.”  Bloomberg took no further questions, citing a “yen” to play Chutes and Ladders with his wife and pals.

            As for the former chess hustlers who spent years raking in dough playing at Washington Square, they must learn a new trade in order to stay successful.  “It looks like I need to forget pawn placements and two-rook checkmates for a while and start thinking about luring tourists into the gumdrop forest,” one veteran hustler from Queens told our reporters, “anyone can play chess, but [Candyland] is the thinking man’s game!”

            The sudden shift to more rigorous board games has caught the attention of scientists halfway around the world; Colcorp, a computer design firm based in Oslo, Norway, announced recent plans to design a Candyland-playing expert computer, abandoning plans to research laser-guided nuclear disarmament.